


Step into your Light

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Death, Depression, F/F, F/M, M/M, Panic Attacks, Paralysis, Slow Build, car crash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:57:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2050953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren has a car crash and ends up being paralysed. Mikasa was not there to save him and blames herself. Levi has trouble dealing with his past and the present and gains custody over the two kids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holiday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has an accident and Levi gets a sudden phonecall.

 He had told them seven times that he didn't want to go. He even tried faking a stomach ache, only for Mikasa to walk into the kitchen with a face as red as a tomato, the same color the scarf covering her neck had been before being washed way to many times, and steam nearly rolling out of her ears. Of course she was allowed to stay home.

 It was not that the beach was the worst place to go. It was the end of summer and they had skipped out of going on holidays this year because his dad had to work overtime and wasn't home for nearly two week and then his mother had to go to a funeral from some distant family member and she was also gone for a week. But now both of his parents were longing for a weekend at the beach.

 Normally, he would be the first to be in the car, but Armin had the new Mario Kart and he had invited Eren over for a weekend of gaming and way too much energy drink. They hadn't done that since spring for whatever reason and he was longing to beat Armin at every single game there was on this planet.

 So when they were in the back of the car and Mikasa standing in the doorway waving at them, he just raised his middle finger, only for Mikasa to do the same with a devious smile on her lips. She hated the beach so the sickness had arrived just at the right time.

 The car trip only lasted for two hours so that wasn't too bad, but when he turned his iPod on only to hear the metal stuff his sister always listened to he felt the need to smash someone's face in. He wondered for a second whether Mikasa had slipped the wrong one in his bag or whether his clumsiness was at fault. He picked the latter because even Mikasa was not that evil.

 He heard the faint voice of his mother talking about how excited she was and his father agreeing with the usual grunt. His father wasn't talkative, had never been in the past and that wouldn't change in the future so his mother felt the need to talk even more. Even though the screaming hurt at his ears, he turned the volume up because he wasn't in the mood to talk to any of them.

 No idea how he had been able to fall asleep, probably because his ears went numb, but he was waken up by his mother leaning over to the backseat and shaking at his shoulders and taking his earphones out. “Eren, honey, we're there in fifteen minutes.”

 It took his eyes a couple of seconds to focus, but he could see a stripe of shimmering blue in the distance. “Carla, get back into your seat. We don't want the police see you climbing around in our car.”

 His mother groaned at how strict his father was before returning to her seat and giving him a slight punch in the upper arm. He really could not care for his parents at this moment. All he could was stare at the sea while his excitement started to bubble up in his stomach. He had no idea where his previous stubbornness had gone, but now he was shaking in his seat.

 Swimming wasn't his favorite sport. That didn't stop him from enjoying the way standing on the beach with the cold sea water at his ankles and the wind messing up his hair. Moments like that made him feel free, like nothing could stop him.

 With his eyes still focused on the nearing mass of water, he didn't notice a car driving on the wrong side of the road, racing with full speed at them. He felt his heart skip a beat as his mother turned around to scream his name and his father trying to dodge before Eren's head slammed against the right side window and everything went black around him, except his mother screeching “EREN!”.

 ***

 The faint click of his keys opening the lock sounded like music in his ears. All he wanted to do was sprint up the stairs, jump under the steaming hot shower, not even taking his clothes off, and block the world out, just for a couple of minutes.

 Sadly, that was not an option as he had promised Hange that he would show up for their usual meeting on Friday, which consisted of a not even scary horror movie and cheap booze. He had wanted to say no as he had the shittiest day since a long while, but she had begged him over the phone since Erwin would bring over the newest Paranormal Activity movie and she had him promise her he would come.

 So he had thirty minutes to maybe taking a shower but he had promised a client he would call tonight to sort some stuff out as the girl was nineteen and had to go to court for killing her boyfriend out of some weird act of jealousy.

 That was his life. Being a lawyer and always getting the worst cases, usually murderers as his boss probably thought that he was one too with the looks he always gave people, and after that coming home to an empty house just to leave again for drinks at a bar and a weird hookup with someone he did not want to remember the name of or going to his friends for a movie night. He did not know which he preferred.

 The girl, her name was something along the lines of Hannah, truly he did not bother, was having a panic attack on the phone while he was trying to be nice and not scream at her. As she would not shut up about being so terrified, he said she should just go and have a bath and some coffee before hanging up and throwing the phone away, hoping it would break but of course it did not.

 He hated everything right now. Waging the option to take a pillow and screaming in it or taking a knife and lashing out at it, he picked neither and instead tried to make himself a coffee even though his fingers were shaking.

 Work had not been to different, he had met up with a client, not a murderer for a change, but it were small little things that just made the day as shitty as it could be. First he had forgotten to take his keys as he walked out the door and had to call over Petra who for whatever reason still had a key to his house. Then someone had thrown their coffee all over him which gladly was cold as he did not feel like winding up at the hospital with third degree burns. After some stupid little shit had scratched his car and now he needed to send it to repair as he would not allow scratches on his Porsche.

 Lastly over the whole day Hange had called him over ten times with whatever unimportant news she felt the burning need to share with him and that Erwin was exciting to see him even though he knew that Erwin was excited for one _thing_. Leaving early and having weird sex in the back of his car because Levi was that classy.

 He was about to sit down, steaming hot coffee in his left hand, when the phone had the audacity to start ringing. “For the love of fucking God,” he hissed as picked the phone of the ground and he hoped he would not be greeted by that stupid little girl whining at him how she could not calm the fuck down.

 “Listen, you little shi-”, he started to yell as someone interrupted him: “Greetings, you are speaking with Rico Brzenska from child services, am I speaking with Levi Ackerman?”

 That surprised him and he was not the type to be surprised. Then for a short second, fear arose in him as he begged to himself he had not made Petra pregnant and she felt the need to also take that away from him. “Yes, you are. What the hell is this all about?” He knew that he was being impatient but he stared at the clock, which said he only had five minutes left to finish his coffee and get some rest before he went to Hanji's.

 “First of all, I want to give you my condolences for the loss of your sister and her husband.” That took him a couple of seconds to take in. He had expected everything, not this. His stomach turned and he felt the need to throw up even though he never did that because that shit was nasty.

 Carla was dead. He remember the last time he had seen her, tears in her eyes over some random dead family member both did not know existed but she still cried because she was sentimental like that. “What happened?”, he heard himself say with a voice that did not sound like his own because his voice did not sound that sad. Probably because he realized that he barely knew his older sister and they only talked like two times a year over the phone and did not even share a turkey together at Thanksgiving because he lived at the other end of America.

 “A car crash. A man under influence drove on the wrong lane and hit their car.”

 He still could not grasp why child services called him. “And why is child services calling me and not the police or something?” Before he had finished his sentence the sudden realization hit him in the face and he felt the need to gasp for air for a second. Carla had kids.

 “We are calling about the kids of Ms. Yaeger,” the woman with the same monotone sound in her voice replied but before she could go on he heard himself interrupt her: “Were they in the car?”

 “The boy, Eren, was in the backseat when it all happened. He is..”, she went on but he could now finally hear a moment of hesitation in her voice, “alive, but from what I can take he is still in surgery and in very bad condition.”

 He tried to picture it in front of him, but he hated himself because he could not. He had barely known her kids. He had seen Mikasa a couple of times because his sister still lived in the same state as he did but then she got married to someone called Grisha Yaeger with a son as old as Mikasa. He was at their wedding, but memories of that had faded away over the time just like his contact with his older sibling. She was eleven years older then him and they never got along that well and she was out of the house before he was twelve.

 “The girl was at home when this all happened because of a cold.”

 Even know he did not understand why child services called him. The woman, whose name was already lost to him, seemed to notice this and her voice got incredibly silent while she answered: “Mr. Ackerman, we would like to talk to you about custody.”

 ***

 There was a buzzing in his right ear and his mouth tasted like copper. For a second it reminded Eren about the coins he used to chew on before Mikasa noticed it and made sure he never do it again. He was trying to look around but his head wouldn't move and for some reason his sight was pitch black filled with little stars.

  _Mikasa, where was she?_ , he thought as he started feeling the space left to him where she always sat. He didn't realize that his arms hurt till he had stretched it out and felt a shock of pain making him hiss and bite his lip, to which more of the coppery taste followed. _She is home_ , he remembered.

 The cogwheels in his mind were spinning as he was trying to figure out what was happening. His whole body hurt in a way that he had not thought was humanly possible and he tried not to scream. Except he did not feel anything in his legs which was more unsettling then the pain taking the toll of him.

 Faintly in the distance he heard sirens while he tried to figure out what was happening, trying to sort his: Where was he? Mikasa was at home. They went to the beach.. He had fallen asleep. His mother had woken him up and then..

 Suddenly his memories sorted themselves and his eyes flicked open. Everything was red and the scent of the coppery blood made his mind foggy. Blood on the windows. Blood on the floor. Blood on the nice chairs his father had sworn too keep clean. His father, Grisha, red with his brain smashed against the windshield, leaving trails of more red as they drooped down.

 His mother whose body looked cracked from the waist downward in a way that was not humanly possible. Her face, covered in the red liquid as her lips were torn in an everlasting scream while her arm was stretched out to save her son and Eren started to screech.

 That was how the medics found him. Clawing at his mom, screaming. The kind of screaming that made your spine crawl because it sounded like an animal in need of help. But his legs were the other problem. One of the medics had to leave for a second as they stared at the kid, not even seventeen years old, with his legs twisted in such a way that made everyone swallow back the urge to scream along with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be fluff and happiness at some point. But first I need to crush every single character before they get to be happy again. Also this won't be underage (hopefully, unless I change my mind) as I want the relationship of Levi and Eren to slowly build over time. Mikasa will gain some happiness too, don't worry. Lastly, I will add more tags and ship when the story progresses.
> 
> Should you find any errors, sorry not sorry. :P
> 
> The fanfic comes from a song I listen a lot too because it makes me happy and the lyrics have somewhat to do with the story.


	2. Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa needs to deal with her guilt while Levi meets the kids for the first time.

 His hand felt so bony. It was like she was holding hands with a skeleton instead of her younger brother. Which was ironic as Eren was on his way of becoming one. They had told her, after she had nearly broken into surgery, that he was going to live. The way they said it was another problem, as they spat out “live” in such a way that they questioned whether Eren's state was worthy of living.

 At that moment she had felt like bashing that person's face in. The news that Eren would most likely be permanently paralyzed had hurt her more than Grisha's and Carla's deaths. It ached imagining Eren in a wheelchair. Normally, any person hearing that someone would live, even with complications, would make them scream from happiness but all Mikasa could see was Eren running. Running track. Running around the block twenty times because he was never satisfied after said track. Running through the house because walking was too slow for him since he was the most active person she knew.

 She had probably left the hospital only four times over the course of the two weeks after she was allowed to see Eren, which was only to shower, switch clothing and to go to the funeral of her parents. Since she was so stubborn, the doctors had allowed for her to stay in Eren's room overnight on the condition she would report any changes in his behavior.

 Eren had not woken up once. Dr. Zacharius said that they had pulled him out of the car and had given him sedatives because he would not stop screaming which only increased the amount of regret gnawing on her heart. No matter how many times she told herself that there was nothing she could have done, the feeling that was tearing her up from inside would not stop.

 A woman from child services had called her twice by now. One time to tell her how sorry she was that her parents were somewhere in the ground and that she would take care of the custody as neither of them were of legal age. To be honest, she could not care more. She would live together with the devil if that meant Eren would get the care he deserved.

 The second time she, her name sounded somewhat Russian or Polish but she could not be bothered to remember it, called her voice actually gave a hint of excitement away. Probably because she had done her job right and not because she cared that the two had found a place to live. After a talk with her uncle, who she had totally forgotten the existence of, had agreed to become their guardian. Rico something, she remembered now, had happily said that Levi, which was his name apparently, had a house large enough for Eren to use a wheelchair in once he had recovered. She had cried after the phone call.

 A young nurse, probably not even twenty-five, was scribbling something on a notepad. Of course, she held it so close to her chest so that Mikasa could not try to peak over her shoulder as she had done multiple times even though it was supposed to private information.

 For a moment, she felt like asking about Eren. Not that that would bear fruits as she would probably get the same answer she had gotten over the last two weeks: “He is stable. He will wake up when he's ready.”  
  
 After the nurse had left, Mikasa felt the need for caffeine. Sleeping for three hours every night just to make sure she was not asleep should Eren feel the need to awake from his coma at four in the morning. She was glad that the coffee was free so she could get a new cup every other hour or so.

 Mikasa felt the tears bubble up as she waited for the cup to fill up. _No_ , she thought, _Stay strong! You have to be there for Eren. You can't be weak now._ As the cup started to fill up with the cheap smelling liquid, she heard some commotion at the end of the hallway. Eren was at the end of that hallway and her heart skipped a beat.  
  
 She spun around, forgetting about the coffee, as she saw Mike rushing past her. He was the one in care of Eren, but she saw him less and less now that her younger sibling was off the brink off dying. Noticing her, he turned around and quickly yelled: “Eren woke up! You can see him after checkups!” The rush to punch everyone unconscious and taking care of Eren herself rose up in her, but she knew in the back of her head that she could do nothing for him right now and that _stung_.

 Taking a large sip off the dark liquid, even though it was still steaming hot and burned at the tips of her fingers, she tried to stop her heart from jumping out off chest. Not that her heart ever had a steady beat after she found two men in front of her house saying that her parents had died and Eren was in surgery like that was an okay thing.

 A wave of guilt made her head spin and she finished the cup off coffee in one go just to clear her mind. She had gone to the funeral but she was the first to leave just to rush back to the hospital. The looks people gave her as she said her farewell just to turn around and sprint off to the nearest taxi was so toxic she felt the need to extend the list of people she never wanted to see again. _I'm sorry mom and dad_ , she though, _I will visit with Eren once I can but I need to be here._

 What felt like hours but were no more thirty minutes later, Mike poked his head out of the door and waved her to come over. “You can see him now..” Something about his voice made her excitement sink to her feet. “He refuses to speak so I hope you can try to reach him.”

 As she stood in the doorway insecurity bubbled up in her stomach and she felt the urge to run away. Her little brother looked worse than he did while he was in coma. She knew how pale and bony he had gotten but now he was sitting upright and could possibly blend in with the sterile white walls. Then the look in his eyes made her want to run over to him, place a million kisses on his forehead and hold him as tight as she could. Normally, they were bright with joy, but the eyes that looked back at her send a shock right down her spine. They were empty. Not even the smallest hint of sadness was visible, only this fast.. nothing.

 Slowly she stepped over to the chair to the right of his bed while not trying to trip over her own feet. However she was glad there was still something alive in him as his gaze seemed to follow her. After she had sat down she was unsure to take his hand or not. For his sake, Mikasa slowly wrapped her hands around his left hand, which was colder then when she had left for a coffee.  
  
 “Eren,” she heard herself mutter and she cursed how weak she sounded. _No_ , the voice inside her head roared, _Don't you fucking dare be weak. You_ need _to be his rock!_ Straightening her back, she gasped for air as she said with a steady voice: “Eren, how do you feel?”

 For a moment, she thought he was not going to reply until she heard him say, with no spur of feelings in his voice: “Mikasa, I think the more appropriate question is what I _don't_ feel.”

 She flinched. That was one of the things she had not expected. Instead, she had hoped he would scream, cry or beg. Anything to announce that he was alive. However this was a whole different Eren. A stranger who, without even being awake for half an hour, had already given up. Tears burned behind her eyes but she chewed on the inside of her cheek to stop herself from breaking down, ignoring the coppery taste.  
  
 Some of the nurses had left the room, only one had stayed together with Mike, who stared at her with anticipation and something else she could not place. She felt like lashing out at him for just standing there, not even trying to explain _anything_ to Eren. Jesus Christ, had they given up too? “I won't try to sugar coat it Eren, you are paralyzed from the waist down.”

 Hoping that her being blunt would achieve some mental reaction, but instead Eren kept on staring with those same, empty eyes. Behind hers, the walls that blocked out the waves of tears slowly started to crumble and she knew that she was shortly away of breaking down. “Please. Please Eren. Please don't do this. Don't hide behind this wall you've put up. Don't block yourself away from me. Let me be there for you. Please Eren!” That last sentence sounded more pathetic than she wanted it to sound.

 “Do I have any chance of recovering,” he muttered and she could faintly hear the sadness in his voice and she wanted to thank every god ever that there was still a fraction of him left in there.

 She rasped her voice: “There is the possibility that you will regain control over your legs, but the chance is as high as winning the lottery.” Eren needed to know even though she knew it would break him even more.  
  
 Then he launched himself at her and her heart stopped for a second as the chair started to shake but she managed to stay upright while she could feel the tears soaking through shirt. “Shhh Eren.. It's okay. I'm here,” she muttered as she traced her fingers up and down his back. It was something that she had always done when Eren needed a shoulder to cry on.

 His body slowly started to relax as she kept whispering about how everything would work out. How he did not need to be afraid and that she would be there for him. Her eyes glanced over to Mike who looked content enough to leave them alone for a second.  
  
 It took Eren over ten minutes to calm down and even though her shoulder started to go numb by all the pressure he kept on her, she did not care if it took years to get Eren back from the dark place his mind was. The fear that had overtaken her as the thought that her little brother truly had given up slowly still wouldn't fade away. She was unsure whether she could ever forgive herself if she let Eren just throw everything away.

***  
  
 His muscles felt tense as he walked out of the airport and sprinted to the nearest cab, nearly pushing some woman out of the way who had probably taken her whole closet with her by the looks of it as she pulled four suitcases behind her. He needed to get away from this airport before someone would end up stabbed by a key.  
  
 The flight had gone surprisingly well for most of the four hours. As they were landing one kid apparently felt the desire to scream everybody deaf but all goddamn brats on the plane took that as their invitation to shriek along and he was shocked that he had not thrown one of them out of the plane for a free lesson of sky diving without parachute.

 “Shiganshima Hospital,” he grunted as the lady in the front seat started to nag how she had not all the time of the world. He would have rented a car but in his current state he would probably drive over some old lady who took a year to cross the road.  
  
 It would be best to calm now before he stormed into the hospital room to see the kids that he had felt the sudden urge to gain custody of. He was still surprised why he had agreed. When that Brzenska lady had asked him, he wanted to hang up but then she started talking about how the boy would most likely be paralyzed and Levi was the best option because his house was large enough that it could be changed to fit a handicapped person and in that moment he felt so bad for the kid and he hated himself even more for never trying to maintain contact with Carla and now she was dead so he had just replied with a yes.

 As Levi felt anxiety bubble up in his stomach he had to resist laughing out loud. Oh, now he was going to get scared because he was meeting the kids for the first time since ages and he only knew them from some pictures on Facebook and he didn't feel like those would actually represent what they actually looked like after their goddamn parents died.  
  
 He had tried to make it for the funeral. It would be best to meet the girl there and not a month after the accident. However after another long call with the lady from child services, she had opposed him otherwise and that he should wait for the boy to wake up and even then give both of them some time to rest and get used to the situation.

 So he had spent a month in a to his standards dirty flat somewhere because his house was getting renovated for someone he did not even know and somehow that made Levi's ego feel good and that was something unusual.

 There weren't too many changes to be made: Widen the doors so a wheelchair could fit through and add a special lift to the stairs so Eren did not need people to carry him up all the time. Small things like that. When he had seen his house finished he actually thought that he could do this which was ironic as he hated kids, especially teenagers who always felt so damn entitled to everything.

 Giving the driver twenty bucks even though that was way too much because he could not stand another minute in that taxi as it smelled like something was rotting in the trunk. Gladly, it wasn't a big hospital so he wouldn't need to spent hours searching for the room.  
  
 As the automatic doors closed behind him a man came rushing over to him with one hand up in the air. The mustache on his face reminded Levi of one of those hairy icky caterpillars and he was about to slap the guy as he came way too close like he was trying to have a good smell first. “Excuse me, are you Levi Ackerman? I'm Mike Zacharius, we talked over the phone.”  
  
 Wondering why he recognized him without know his appearance, he simply nodded as the man simply continued talking: “Eren and Mikasa are on the second floor. Just follow me.” He was about to walk over to the lift but as the man turned right for the staircase he felt the need to kick him in the stomach. The man said something about Mikasa being there more than Eren and he snickered to himself like that was funny and not totally rude because one of them could not fucking walk.

 The man stopped halfway through the hallway. “I will let you go in yourself as I know you have not seen both of them in a long time and you probably have catching up to do.” Was this man even serious? He was about to declare him as mentally ill as Mike's face suddenly turned serious: “I do beg you to be careful. When Eren woke up it was not.. very pleasant and it took everything out of that poor girl to calm him down so do not over rush things.” Now that made the anxiety flare up.

 In the airplane he had the scene pictured before him. He would walk in, introduce himself, shake a hand if that was not too close and talk about the custody before the Brzenska woman would show up. However his mind had the urge to suddenly forget everything as he stood before the door.  
  
 For a second he was about to give in to the urge to turn around, get back on that goddamn airplane and ignore the whole situation. Not that that was possible as Mike still stood there like he was going to catch him should he try to make a run for it.

 _Got over yourself_ , he thought as he had to remind himself he was the adult and this was not scarier than anything he had experienced in his life. Slowly, he firmed his hand around the door handle trying to ignore that said hand was shaking.

 Opening the door, he cursed himself for not knocking as they both stared at him like he had interrupted a conversation and now he felt the need to shit his pants because this was scarier than everything else.

 His eyes first locked on the girl, Mikasa, who clearly was Carla's daughter and his niece. She had the same shade of black hair that was tied back into a ponytail. Her eyes shared the same harshness he had and he immediately knew that she could probably kill people with her gaze if she wanted too and if she did not look so damn tired. However, she had more brownish eyes that resembled the colour dirt, opposed to his greyish ones, and her skin color was darker than his which she probably had picked up from her father. Overall she looked like she had more Asian origins but she clearly had Ackerman blood in her veins.

 Mikasa was clinging on the _bony_ hands of a boy who did in no way resemble that picture on Facebook. That boy looked happy, with a toothy smile and eyes that always looked so damn excited but this Eren in front of him looked like he had just been raised from the dead. Even though he knew that he had Turkish roots from his father, he looked like someone had used an eraser to fade all the color away. His eyes were what bothered him the most. They looked so goddamn empty.  
  
 “Hello Mikasa,” he had not stopped looking at the boy, “Eren. I'm Levi.” Why did his brain feel the need to turn of right when he needed it? “I am your legal guardian.” Jesus Christ, could that sound anymore forced and pathetic? Also did he need to be feeling this dizzy? He saw a chair on the left of the room at the wall and he moved over without making a sound as he felt that would sent the girl lashing out at him for whatever reason.

 Now that his brain stopped doing the tango in his brain and he could think straight again he was about to start this all over again when Mikasa rudely interrupted him: “First of all, we know..” She stared at Eren with a certain insecurity in her eyes like she was asking him to talk for both of them. He just nodded and it was the first actual movement he made except for turning his head. “We know that neither of us have had any contact with you for years but we.. I still want to thank you for taking us in.”  
  
 “Secondly, I hope that you can offer Eren all the help he needs.” That took him by surprise and he needed a second to find his words. She could not be more blunt but the way she clung to Eren's hand, like he would fade away if she didn't, made him realized that she would probably do just about everything for that her little sibling.  
  
 “And lastly..” He was glad she was not about to list him a hundred things she felt the need to take off her heart. “Please take good care of us.”  
  
 Levi scratched the back of head because he was flustered by the desperate sound in her voice. “Don't worry about it. Eren-,” he paused for a second because they were talking like he was not present in the room. Well, he was unsure whether his mind was actually here. “Eren will get the support and aid he needs. And yeah, I hope that we can also get to actually know each other better because I have been a shitty excuse for a brother and I really need to make up for that.” Christ on a stick Levi, could you be more pitiful.  
  
 Eren's eyes flared a bit up as he cursed, which he honestly could not avoid because he was born with the urge to add 'fuck' to every sentence he used, while Mikasa's eyes narrowed. Okay, mental reminder, do not curse around Mikasa if you want to keep your head. He was about to apologize when there was a knock on the door.  
  
 “I'm sorry for interrupting,” Rico Brenzska said with the same stupid monotone voice as she barged into the room without as much as a hello. “Ah, you've been introduced already, that will save us a lot of time.” Oh yeah, they were nothing more than names on a paper instead of actual people. Mikasa stared at her with something that could be described as disgust while Eren still hadn't moved his head away and his eyes were still locked onto Levi.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out way longer than I wanted it to be. Next chapter we get to see Levi's house more and also Hange, Erwin and Petra make an appearance and Armin actually gets to be included.
> 
> Also it is way too late/early for me to find every mistake so I apologize for that.


	3. Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa has therapy. Levi becomes more independent. Eren's stubborn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm garbage. I just couldn't find the right point to continue this so hello large time skip. Also, to say this again, Mikasa has a large role in this fic. Yes, I will center around the relationship between Eren & Levi, but Mikasa will also need to find her place! Also love.

 She couldn't do this. Every cell in her body screamed at her to flee. Trash out of the door, maybe kick Levi in the groin because, most likely, he was still sitting in the hallway since he knew that she wanted to run. Her hands couldn't stop shaking so she clung to her jeans and was that sweat on her forehead? Fuck.

 This wasn't her. Mikasa wasn't a scared little girl. No, the opposite actually. Mikasa was the girl who charged anybody who dared to even touch Eren or Armin. The girl who had a brown belt in karate and could probably break your nose with her pinkie. The girl who had nearly snapped a guy's arm in two because he had made Eren cry.

 However the person she had become was someone who she hated with all her guts. That person was so weak to the point of breaking down because she couldn't deal with the guilt that tore her down. Mikasa felt so utterly weak and the tears burned behind her eyes. Jesus, she hadn't even started talking to that weird therapist lady in front of her and already she was an emotional wreck.

 That woman, Brzenska, had suggested it. That not only Eren would start psychological treatment, but Mikasa herself would too. Had it been so obvious? Oh yeah, of course Levi had to agree with her. They had met for like twenty minutes and he already decided over her. He could, since she had agreed to him becoming her guardian. Bad choice.

 “Mikasa, why is it that you are crying,” Nanabe said in that stupid calm voice all therapist used. Before Eren had woken up she had talked to one for like half an hour and apparently that was enough to sign her up for therapy. Oh, not that they could force her. She could say no, but that was out of question. Eren needed her and she had to be strong even if sitting here tore her heart in two.

 Wait. Did she say that she was crying? Touching her cheeks, she felt the tears rolling down them and fuck she felt pathetic. “I-I don't k-know,” she stuttered and the words hurt leaving her mouth. Was that even her voice?

 “It is okay to talk. Just tell me what you are feeling right now.”  
  
 Should she? The spur to lie rose within her. _Just lie_ , the tiny voice in the back of her mind whispered, _Straighten your back, man up and lie._ Nanabe gave her a weird look and cold sweat ran down her back. Jesus, she _knew_. Of course she knew, it was her job.

 “You don't need to rush, Mikasa. Take your time,” Nanabe said.

 “I-I-” She needed to tell her. “I feel so weak.” The sentence left her lips before she could take them back.

 “And why is that?” God, could this woman stop prying?

 “I need to be strong. I can't be like-” Mikasa motioned her hand to her face. “This. I have to be there for Eren.” Nanabe stared at her, like she was expecting more. Somewhere, the teenager had opened a door in her mind. Waves of emotions rushed through her and she forgot how to breath.

 Funny, how everything in her wanted to tell this stranger everything. Everything that she felt. The sadness for her parents. How Eren's condition hurt her in ways she didn't know were possible. Most important, the mind wrecking guilt which made her sob into her pillow at night which smelt like expensive soap because everything in Levi's house did.

 Nanabe seemed to notice this and felt the need to steer the conversation in another direction. “Why don't you tell me about your move to Levi's house? How you feel there?”

 Yes, she could manage this. “We moved there two weeks ago after the renovations were done. It is a big house, which is good for Eren.”  
  
 The feeling of pride that she managed to bring out a sentence without stuttering spurred her to talk more, but Nanabe narrowed her eyes a bit and scribbled something down. Fuck. “How do _you_ feel, Mikasa?”

 “I-I-” How did she feel though? She did not know. “I don't mind it?” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This took her by surprise. Why didn't she know this? It was a simple question and it hit a string that made the tears flow again. There was a lump in her throat because in the last two weeks she did not once think about herself.  
  
 Taking a deep breath, Mikasa tried to go on: “There are things I dislike though. The way Levi has to clean the entire house every other day. The smell of cleaning products is unbearable and it gives me a constant headache.” Selfish. The word flickered before her sight because Eren needed her and instead she was talking about herself.

 “How do you feel about your uncle? I understood there hasn't been much contact over the years, right?” How could this woman keep her voice so even when Mikasa had problems trying to talk without throwing up.

 “He's not bad? Eren doesn't seem to mind, so I don't see a reason to not do so either. He takes care of us, so I guess I should be grateful,” she replied and took a deep breath, realizing what she had just said. Of course it had dawned on her before, but she sounded so centered around Eren.

 _You should be_ , her consciousness added to her thought. _You are his sister. Be his rock and stop acting so pathetic_. Should she? It was so easy, pushing her own feelings away, in a corner where they could not be found. Focusing on Eren gave her stability.

 It hit her like a truck. _Why do I this? I lost my parents. I haven't even mourned them yet. My brother is paralyzed. I want to cry so badly and just let it all out. Why can't I?_

 Nanabe smiled for the first time, a smile that somehow warmed her up a bit. She had known too. That Mikasa didn't care for herself so she did not break down.

 The passage to everything she had holed up over the last two months had opened and the intensity of these feelings took her by surprise. Waves of tears burned stung behind her eyes and for the first time she didn't stop it. It was a childish cry. The one where your whole body shakes and you can't get a hold over yourself. She did not want too.

 “I think we'll leave it at that, Mikasa,” Nanabe spoke, that smile still plastered on her face. Staring at the clock, Mikasa noticed she had been here for a bit over an hour. It felt more like five minutes.

 Levi was still sitting outside, his face buried into some magazine in a way that reminded him of herself. He was tensed too, even though he tried not to show it. Looking up, she could see the shock on his face and she resisted the urge too laugh. Judging by the way his eyes were spread open, she probably looked like a disaster.

 “Our next appointment is next week, same time. She did well, Mr. Ackerman.” Even that took her by surprise. Had she really? The voice, now more of a faint whisper, scolded her of this selfishness. No, she thought as she shook her head. She had taken her first step and she was allowed to feel proud.

 Levi noticed her smile and he raised his left eyebrow, same as her mother always did. Instead of getting sad at the way he resembled Carla so much, even though he failed to notice, she just continued to smile at him. “What?”, he inquired.

 “Nothing,” she chimed as she walked towards the exit. Maybe she should try liking him. Maybe.

* * *

 Mikasa had asked him to drop her off at his, wait, their house, which was weird. She had always wanted to join Eren for his physiotherapy sessions and now she said that she wanted to prepare for school, which she would start to attend next monday. Eren would start, at a separate school which was more catered to his condition, in a couple of weeks.

 Now that he was all alone with Eren, who was shaking because he still detested cars, he wanted to beg Mikasa to come back. Levi had barely talked to the brat and now he was out of words. Of course, this was mainly because Mikasa took everything into her own hands but now she had attended her first therapy session, which he regretted bringing her to (not really, because she had smiled at him for the first time), she had left him to do it alone. Thank you very much.  
  
 It felt like only hours had passed since he had stepped into that hospital room instead of a month. Two weeks for him to talk everything through with Brzenska and the kids, ew that sounded weird, and for Eren to start physiotherapy. He had started in the hospital but since their settle in at Levi's house, he had switched to the hospital, which was a twenty minute drive away.  
  
 Not that he hated the kid. It was just weird talking to him mainly because he felt like Eren was never really _there_. No idea how to put it but his thoughts always seemed to float off somewhere else. Where to? He did not want to know.

 Eren looked better. Still a bit like a zombie, but at least some color had returned to his cheeks and he had put on some weight. The one thing that bugged him were his eyes. From what he had seen from the facebook pictures, the kid had won the lottery in case of his genes. Especially those bright eyes, same color the sea had on a sunny day. What he now had was a dull, empty, more gray kind of color, which somehow annoyed him because kids his age were not supposed to look like _that_.

 He pushed the thought away as he parked at the hospital. It had a separate building, mainly there for physiotherapy. Sometimes he was allowed to join the sessions, but most times not. Back in California, he himself only, even though Mikasa had nearly screamed that she wanted to join, had a physiotherapist explain him the basics.

 At some point, they had said, Levi was allowed to take over basic things, like massaging the legs so blood circulated correctly so they did not rot off. He regretted not smuggling Mikasa in, even though she had whole other problems to deal with. She would gladly do that, just like she did most for Eren which was something that a teenager shouldn't have to deal with. However, he couldn't say he was not glad that she had taken over the role of bathing Eren since no way in hell was he ready for that.

 Opening the back door, he motioned Eren to stop folding his arms so he could lift him into the wheel chair. Of course, the brat had to hesitate, but slowly he opened them so Levi could fling them over his shoulder. Curse his height. Heck, even Mikasa was taller than him.

 It was weird. Three months ago he was a mess, correct that, he still was a mess but now he was the mess who had custody over two kids with way too many problems. Three months ago he would go to a bar at night instead of watching TV with Eren because the kid had a weird obsessions with cartoons.

 With much struggle, as Eren seemed to fucking stiffen like a puppet and he did not cooperate, he nearly dropped the kid into said wheelchair. Eren averted his eyes and moved his hair to cover his ears for whatever reason. Weird brat.

 After locking the car he pushed Eren towards the doors, which thank God, were automatic. No way in hell was he going to try to get through that. The familiar face, some girl who sat behind the desk, seemed to fucking glow as she wove them over. Her name was a blur, something along the line of Christen? Christina? Chris? Whatever. “Hello, Mr. Ackerman,” she chirped in a high voice and could she sound anymore like a bird?  
  
 “Mr. Schultz is already available-” Can a person shine? He was pretty sure she was. Christa, he remember now, motioned Levi to take step back so she could take over the handles. “Eren will be back in an hour so take your seat in the waiting room,” she rejoiced, looking over her shoulder. Well, that was easy. Normally that Schultz guy took ages to get ready. Mikasa had smiled at him. he was home before four and could get some work done? Call the press.

 The waiting room was not as full as usual, except for a guy who sported an undercut, somewhat similar of his, a woman who was tapping furiously on her phone and a girl, with freckles to her ears apparently, who had her face burried into her bag. Was she sleeping? Ew.

 Why were people so fucking arrogant most of the time? There were three chairs at every side of the room and all three of them felt the need to place their butt on the middle one. Thinking over the option to sit his car, he moved over to he man who was reading something on his phone. No way he was sitting next to that woman. The sound of her fingers tapping the screen would send him into a killing spree. Sleepy head was out of question.

 The man looked up to him and he resisted the urge to laugh. Horseface much? Not that he was unattractive, Levi would probably do him if he was drunk and desperate, but he had to be related to Sarah Jessica Parker. Classy one, Levi, pat on your back.  
  
 He grabbed a magazine, something with an old couple cackling on the cover, and sat down. Oh yeah, he was definitely interested in which fruits would reduce blood sugar but he didn't want to have to talk to anyone. Not that the other three in the room seemed interested too much and he definitely needed to pray tonight that today would repeat itself. Last time this older lady could not fucking shut up and kept on rambling about that poodle of hers.

 A couple of minutes later, he had moved on to the wonders of yoga now, the blond girl peeked her head through the door, still having that glowing smile on her lips. “Jean, Marco should be ready in ten minutes. Mr. Jinn started a bit late, he got caught up by another patient. Sorry for the wait.” Oh, of course she was nice to levels that were of the earth.

 Jean, the horseface dude, just nodded and gave her a somewhat reassuring grin. Oh god, don't laugh Levi. Don't laugh because he grins like a donkey. The girl entered the room and placed her hands on her hips, raising one of her eyebrows. Oh, she was turned towards Princess Aurora over there. “Ymir, you know you shouldn't be sleeping here. My shift is over in fifteen minutes so please control yourself.”  
  
 The girl raised her head and she had freckles, freckles and guess what? More freckles. A somewhat evil grin spread on her lips. “Sure, hun, see you in a bit.” With that she pushed her head back into her back. Did they _have_ to flirt in the waiting room though?

 As an answer, Christa just huffed and turned around. Jean giggled and fuck he almost neighed. Not being able to resist anymore, Levi cackled a bit. _Shit_. “Hm?”, Horseface grunted. The woman who still was moving her fingers at the speed of light looked up, but continued with her game.

 “Nothing,” he answered and he hoped that sufficed. Ymir had raised her head from her bag and stared at Levi with full intensity. Yeah, she knew he laughed because the dude was the human incarnation of a horse.  
  
 She shifted her gaze to Jean. “Marco fine? Didn't see you around lately.” Thank God, they knew each other. Please, continue the small talk until both of you forget my existence.

 “Marco's doing great. I've been covering physiotherapy lately so he only needs to come here once a week.” Lucky bastard. Eren needed to come daily, even after school in the future.

“Whoa, that's amazing, man,” she replied in awe. Somehow that was great, he guessed.  
  
 He wanted to shrink into his seat, he was tiny enough to be honest, when Ymir locked her eyes with his again. No, you and I had that silent agreement a minute ago that your would stop Horseface from trampling my face in. How can you do _this_ to me? “Hey, I've not seen you around before. Name?”  
  
 Real charmer, that one. “Levi,” he replied hoping she would shut up. She did, instead his neighbor took over. “What, or better whom brings you here, friend?” Oh god, that last word came out as a neigh. Do not laugh, Levi. Don't you fucking dare.

 Ugh, why were all these people so direct. He was not prepared for this shit. “Eren, kid I'm taking care of. Here for the fourth time.”  
  
 “Oh, you're a newbie. Well, good luck,” Ymir stated, as if that would make everything easy.  
  
 Horseface McGee seemed to soften at this. “Oh, don't worry, it get's easier.” Had he made the indication that this was hard? Probably. He was annoyed and tired.

 “I hope so,” he murmured as the door opened and blondie motioned Jean to come. Thank you, blond angel. You will be in my prayers tonight.

 “Marco's ready. Didn't take as long as I suspected-” she moved her gaze to Ymir, “I'm finishing up so you can come too.” Both of them jumped out of their chairs, Jean gracefully as the mighty steed he was.

 Somewhat curious, Levi stared into the hallway and the sight somewhat made his heart skip a beat. A man, around his mid twenties, just like Jean, was sitting in a wheelchair and flashed the greatest smile mankind had ever known at said horse. It contrasted the fact that he missed an arm, a leg and one eye was covered with an eye patch. How can you smile like that when you look like you were chopped in half? Eren needed a slack of that.

 Jean rested his hand on the man's good shoulder and moved behind him to push the wheelchair. Somehow, Levi felt like was intruding their personal space, like he was seeing something he shouldn't. The door closed again and he was left in silence, which was somehow annoying, except for the woman ramming her thumbs into her phone.

 Eren had to fucking speed up. Levi wanted to go home.  
  
* * *

 Eren awoke from a dream with a scream on his lips but forced it back. No need to make Mikasa stand up at four in the morning when she had looked so tired before. His back hurt and he wanted to turn, lay on his side but he couldn't, of course he couldn't.

 The dream, wait, the nightmare had been the same one he had since he had started sleeping in this room. Endless looping pictures of his mom's torn face or his dad smashed against the windshield. Anxiety bubbled up but the feeling was interrupted by the urge pee.  
  
 “No,” he whined. Not now. Why had he drunk that bottle of water before bed? Why was he so stupid all of the time?

 Ready to call out for his sister, he stopped. The faint outline of his wheelchair, the one thing he despised the most, was visible. _Wait_ , he thought. At physiotherapy, they taught him this shit. Physical recovery was one thing, but he was also learned the ropes of climbing into his chair and that kind of stuff. Could he? He could.  
  
 Sick and tired of Mikasa bossing him around and Levi giving him that stare, a mix of disgust and annoyance, Eren made up his mind. He didn't need them. He could do this alone. No more Mikasa being a mom when she is breaking down herself and no more Levi, who he still felt unsure about because the man was so hard to deal with since he was a tiny bundle of sarcasm.

 He hated this. He detested how his legs, no matter how hard he tried, didn't move. He punched them hard, frustrated as fuck, and wasn't met with the usual pain. It was worse. That feeling of emptiness. His legs were just shells, not useful for anything anymore.

 Tears burned behind his eyes and his fingers were shaking. Emotions rushed through him. Why? Why was he this useless? He used the back of hand to brush the tears away. No crying now. Right now, he would get into that wheelchair and go take a piss. No more being emotional baggage people had to carry around.

 Slowly, because his arms were trembling, he lifted his upper body up. So far so good, apparently. Maybe he could do this. No need to call Mikasa, he could manage this. All he wanted was to be independent again.

 Now came the tricky part. He had to get himself into that fucking wheelchair. With much care, he pulled the damn thing closer to the bed. Turning it around so he could push himself in it, he secured his hands onto the sides. Okay, he could do this. He would fucking master this.

 That was were he miscalculated how much strength he needed. More than he had thought, actually. As he was hanging between the small space between his bed, which smelled like Febreze for some reason, and the damn wheelchair, his arms decided to be as useful as his legs. Useless.  
  
 Fear stroke through him, the one he had felt before the car crashed into them and his mother called out for him. His arms gave up, simply like that, and with the image of the torn up scream his mum had died with, he went crashing for the floor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well. This chapter turned out to be quite a challenge mainly because I want Levi to be the sassiest fucker in town. I want to write from Eren's perspective more but ugh he's so hard to write from so I'll just have more Levi/Mikasa.. Anyways, thanks for reading. ^-^
> 
> (Should there be any mistakes, sorry not sorry, and lastly I hope I did not fuck up about the physiotherapy. I mostly researched online so let's hope it's kinda write what I wrote?)
> 
> Next Chapter: Finally Hange and stuff gets an appearance and Levi/Eren bonding! ovo


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